New. New. New.

Things are changing, finally. I'm almost positive I'm gonna move to Ashville, NC. By the end of the summer. I have to stay here, Charlotte, until the end of the summer because I'm gonna be working at the hospital. My mother is going to start teaching at a college, and finally get us some money. she's also going to start traveling again, on writing. Which means i have more time alone in the house, have some nice parties. haha.
I got gages today. Yay. 16g. I'm going to go to a 10g. no further. I wanna leave this town now, i wish i could. But in time I will.... In time.

Phone Call.

So, my ex lover, called me... We talked a while. And he asked me about this guy Conrad. He lives in Virginia, and i live in South Carolina. :( We met three years ago at the beach, and i haven't seen him since. We talk EVERY day, and we talk online, and on the phone every so often. We have a real connection, we have a lot of similar interests. I've liked him on and off for a year now. We have talked about how we would wanna be each other's "firsts". I bet that sounds cheesy... But anyways, i care about him more an any of my other friends, mainly because he's been the only one to stick by my side. My ex lover said, the way i talked about him, made him think I loved him... We've never said that we like each other or anything, we've talked about how when we see each other we'd just lay under the stars, him holding me in his arms. That's all i want. To feel loved. I don't even think he likes me. But I like him, and maybe more. It's just the fact of distance setting me back. Fuck Distance. It sucks. I've never felt this way about anyone. I just don't know if I should pursue or not. What do you think?

Changes.

Sometimes, it feels like no ones there for me. Every time I hang out with my friends, there always some type of negative Ora. My friends are either fake and trying to fit in, or they back stab other people to get advantages in popularity. I want no part of it anymore, I'm sick of hurting people. This place I'm living in now... sucks. I'm not happy, and i don't think I'll ever be. A girl told me that happiness isn't a destination, it's a feeling. And you can choose to be happy or not. But it's not that simple. Us humans drive on being happy whenever we get that one thing we really want, we say we'll be happy. But are you when that time comes around and you are? No... My point exactly.
What I'm planning on doing is moving back to Boone, North Carolina, and started a new chapter in my life. I'm not running away, i just want a change. But I'm sure I'll tear up the idea when i actually do move and i say I'm not happy. I don't know when I'll ever be actually happy. I can't automatically make myself happy. I feel empty inside. As if there's no one i could depend on. People say when there truly happy, it's when there in love. And I wish i could find love, but it will come on it's own terms. I think.

Gay.

I have been thinking lately, and in the bible God says that he has a heart for children and poor people. and i think i have a heart for the gay community. it really saddens me how much controversy there is on this sensitive subject. I'm completely straight, but i just have a heart for gay people. i think that A LOT of gay people think that God doesn't love them because in the bible he says that being gay is an abomination. but i disagree, completely. they can't help what they feel. And it just makes me really angry how people use the word "gay" for a slang word. it pisses me off. so much,